Confusion...

Its funny how life continues moving no matter what your location. I moved back to my hometown after living on my own for 2 years and the confusion continues to build. I am trying so hard to make things work here and some days I feel resiliant and other days I feel shut down and defeated. I feel like there is something inside of me that is begging to be let out. There is a passion and love for my amazing God that no longer wants to be quenched. The big problem is I don't know how to release it. I can't figure out how to let it out. What to do? How do I take this overwhelming feeling and channel it into something that is stunning and glorious?

Random late night thoughts

Life is good... So many times I want to focus on the little things that make life seem so difficult. Finances, relationships (good and bad), school, work... The list goes on. But in the midst of all the struggles or trials there is never a time when I can't find hope. I decided a few years ago that although it isn't always easy, focusing on the bad and the difficult does absolutely no good! So I decided to become more optimistic. Crazy hard!!! But it is so much more fulfilling if I choose to find God in every circumstance no matter how dark... Sometimes it is hard to find how God can possibly work through a situation because no matter what angle I take it is still just as dark and gloomy. But if you look ever so carefully, you will find that He was there the entire time and you just weren't paying close enough attention...

So even though life isn't perfect, I have to say.... Life is good!

In Awe..

I am in awe. Because I have a God that loves me. Yes, God is a scary God who can at any time destroy everything on earth, but he loves me. Real love. And the best part?? He created me... He made me me! Sometimes I feel like we let the world and its craziness affect our awe of God. We concentrate on what other people think of us and if we are doing things according to what the wold would want us to do. But ya know what? It doesn't matter. If we are doing what the world thinks is right and what the world finds appropriate but aren't following what God wants us to do then we are wrong! Because God created us for a special purpose. God created us to do great things and to worship him. Why aren't we willing to step out of our comfort zone and live in the confidence of who God made us to be!? Life as a Christian is hard, it is supposed to be anyway. If we look at the life of Jesus while he was on earth, it is readily evident that his life was not easy. From the beginning to the end. Jesus came from heaven and became a man so that he could save us from eternity in hell. Because humanity is so sinful, Jesus had to live a difficult life in order to save us. Jesus had to become our sin on the cross. Sin is ugly, sin is unhealthy, and sin is painful... I watched the Passion of the Christ last Sunday and through that movie realized many things that I hadn't noticed when I watched it years ago... 1. Jesus was not only beaten, he was UNRECOGNIZABLE. He was bloody and taken to the point of death through whippings and pain. And yet he continued on. In some places they had probably beaten him down to the bone. Can you imagine???
2. Jesus was ridiculed. The majority of people did not believe that he was who he was. But he continued on. He continued suffering. Jesus could have at any moment decided that he wasn't going to do what God asked him to do. We do it everyday. But he didn't Jesus loved us too and above all he loved his Father and so he continued in the will of God no matter how hard and painful.
3. As if the beating wasn't painful enough, he carried his cross and then they DROVE NAILS INTO HIS HANDS AND FEET! Have you ever stepped on a nail?? It hurts! and that is just a little nail. But these nails were HUGE!!! and they were driven through his hands and feet into wood by a sledge hammer!!!!! I cringe just to think of it.

So why aren't we willing to talk to new people and be the person that God has created us to be? He suffered unthinkable pain in order to give us the opportunity to live in heaven for eternity. What an amazing God we have! I am in awe of the sacrifice and love that God has shown and given us. We live in our comfort zone, loving God from a distance. We don't get closer because that requires sacrifice. So lets sacrifice for God! After all, he has given everything for us!

God Bless!

a new year.

I have decided that I am a horrible blogger.... I have two and maintain none. it is awful! Life is so full of confusion and decisions lol. Sometimes I wonder why we can't just be given a roadmap to follow at birth that would give us the exact steps that we should take as we travel down the "road of life". I just think that would be so much easier and much more considerate of God than leaving us on our own to figure things out lol. I know that God is always there, and I know that he is always faithful to help when we need it but like sometimes I just wish I knew when it was God and when it was just me. Because God knows what we SHOULD do but he has given us this wonderful thing known as freewill. I know that if I didn't have the freewill then i would be upset because I would feel like I was always be controlled. Which brings me to another point. Why are humans never happy? No matter what happens, human beings always find something to complain about. Either they don't have enough or they have more than enough but their lives are falling apart. Why can't we just find happiness in God?? Humans always try to fix everything and they try to make their own decisions and just grrr. I pray that God helps me find happiness and joy in him. Because in the end. God is all I need. He is my supply, my breath of life, my love, my joy, my help, my comforter, my father, my God, my everything. And if God is my everything, nothing else matters.


Love to all! and God Bless!

Freedom :)

Life has a new perspective for me now. I used to live under the bondage of past friendships and past situations in my life that had caused a lot of pain. Just recently I finally let go of all of that hurt and bitterness! Life has new meaning! My relationship with God has been strengthened and worshiping him has taken on an entirely new meaning and feeling! Don't hold on to the pain of the past, it will haunt you and always be lurking in the background trying to pull you down. I was reading the blog of a good friend of mine that passed away a year ago and his words spoke to me even though he is no longer with us,
"While I realize that not all change is bad, the change that hurts usually tends to be in the back of your mind. Relationships will change over the years and some will end while others will strengthen and grow. I do wish that things didn't have to change, that I didn't have to keep doing new and sometimes painful things, but where would I be if nothing ever changed in my life.
I would never be the person God has destined for me to be if it wasn't for the changes in my life."
His words are so true. Yes, change can be painful! But if we don't change then how can we grow?? If there is no winter we cannot have spring! If we do not have the seasons in our lives where we feel like we can't handle the pain, then we can't continue to grow into the people that God wants us to be. That is not saying that God wants us to go through pain, he would much prefer if he could shield His children from pain, but because he has left the world with free-will and the ability to make choices,there is pain... In order to strengthen the blade of a sword, the metal has to be melted and molded and heated. The process isn't pleasant. There is constant change, but the end result is a strong defense. If we can use the situations in our lives to learn something then the pain becomes a strengthening process.

Freedom is a wonderful thing, there are times when the memories will surface but now, I can remember them for the good, not for the pain and because of that, the memories are so much more enjoyable. They are a part of my life that I am glad I remember, but I'm also glad that I can now remember them minus the pain.

God can take away hurt, God can take away the pain. I held onto the pain of situations for a long time because it was familiar. I could hide in that pain and feel secure. I had gone through the motions of forgiving and moving on but I hadn't truly given it to God. The moment I decided to be done with the pain and move on, I look towards heaven and simply said, "God, I'm ready" and he took it away. Just like that. The tears poured from my eyes and I accepted the freedom that God had been trying to give me for so long.....

Live in the freedom God offers, its so much more enjoyable than living in the familiarity of pain.

God Bless.

Growing

Life has been hectic the last few months. Learning how to become and intepreter and trying to make decisions about my future have made my head spin! I love where life is right now and everything that has been happening. God has blessed me with a wonderful man who loves me and takes care of me. School is going well. I love learning to interpret! It's difficult but learning the culture and language is quite fun. I think that God lets us go through times of difficulty so that we can become stronger through the experience. Although i've had an easy life in some ways, there is always difficulty and struggles. My problems have always come through people. I have made and lost many friends in my lifetime and each one has hurt in a different way. I used to freely give trust, feeling that everyone I met would be my best friend that I could tell anything. Throughout the past 6 years I have discovered that not everyone has your best interest at heart. But for the first time I can look back at those experiences and thank God for putting me through them. I may not have been thankful at the time, I was hurting too much. But as I look back on the situations life, and God have put before me I just feel thankful. I am thankful for the pain that will probably never completely fade away, I am thankful for the people I CAN trust that God has given me, I'm thankful for the lost friendships because they made me stronger. I'm thankful for the strong woman I have become today. Thank you God for the many blessings you have placed in my life. I have never felt more loved than I do now and I don't feel like I would have been able to appreciate it if I hadn't felt the pain of people not loving or liking me. Thank you God for the wonderful parents you gave me. I may get frustrated with them but I know that they love me with their entire being and for that I am grateful. Thank you for Brandon, and the love and care that he shows me everyday. and thank you for the sacrifice you made when you gave me your son so that I would be able to experience life to the fullest, with the promise of continued life with you when this life is over...........

WOW

Like I dunno I feel like God has just really been helping me heal the last month. I was hit with a lot all of a sudden starting the first of September. A man I loved and trusted proved to be someone else and a week later a dear friend died. I felt broken and didn't know where to go. But since I went to Fall Advance, my worship has been different and I have felt closer to God than ever before. I absolutely love the feeling of God near and it's just been so amazing.
Thank you God for being there for me and holding me close as you heal my broken heart... :)